For memory’s sake

For some reasons, these days people change fb status far too often. “… is single” keeps poping up whenever I load the site. Are they joking? I don’t think people can joke over this matter though. So what?

It was just a few moments ago when one is hand in hand with her half, taking wonderful photos, posting romantic quotes and the next moment she declares happy being single. Are single and attached just two side of a coin and people can simply flip over in a matter of seconds? I find it cruel! So what was that so-called love or “love you so much” or “my life can’t be without you” or whatever? People make up the stories or their minds don’t even have any story line to follow.

Even external wound takes time to heel, let alone internal ones. And it takes cleanliness, fresh air for the wound to recover, it is not meant to be covered up. So why do people rush over sorrows? The “…is single” is normally followed by “happy being single”, “finds single life wonderful”, “energetic and passionate for new life”. What kind of bullshit is that? Didn’t they love with their hearts, their minds, their skin a short while ago? Or at least don’t their hands miss another hand? Don’t their lips miss another lips? Don’t their ears craze for sweet words?

So superficial! It doesn’t make one any good using this way to get over breakup. Sorrow has its own beauty by which you learn to be stronger/weaker and most importantly learn to be yourself. Since, after all, people never sit down for self-reflection during good time.

Dạo này chỉ thích viết tiếng Việt, nói tiếng Việt, về nhà, ăn cơm hàng, chạy xe máy, ngồi đuổi ruồi ở nhà. Nhớ những gì trong máu trong mủ mình.

Con người ta thường rơi vào trạng thái này khi cảm nhận thực tại xa lạ và lạnh lùng. Buồn bã để rồi lục lọi xem vì sao mình buồn và rơi vào trạng thái lơ lửng không biết nên dạt vào bến cảm xúc nào đây. Chợt lóe lên ý nghĩ muốn khóc, nào thì ta nằm xuống, khóc đi, khóc cho khuây khỏa, nhưng nghĩ gì để mồi lửa khơi thông nước mắt, trống rỗng và bộn bề. Thôi lồm cồm bò dậy, làm gì đây, chạy trốn cái gì đây.

Giận. Nhưng rồi cũng mệt mỏi khi nhận sự vỗ về, đâm ra sợ giận. Bởi cái ta cần đâu phải lời xin lỗi. Khó khăn lắm một lời giải đáp, một lối thoát, một sự đổi thay.

Nghi ngại và nghi ngờ chính những suy nghĩ của mình.

Ai đó bảo học cách chấp nhận. Đó là tự trấn an mình, tự chịu thoái lui. Nhưng có đáng để chấp nhận hay không. Ngắc ngoải trong mớ bòng bong, nên không nên, nắm chặt hay buông lơi, gắng gượng hay chắp tay cầu nguyện.

Quá mỏi mệt rồi tôi ơi.

Ngẫm ngợi và nhận ra mình cần học cách mỉm cười với niềm vui của người khác thay vì so bì và đố kị, và học luôn là cả một quá trình.

I guess in life it’s best to adapt the “non-of-my-business” attitude for most of the time. People are normally self-centric, hence if things go wrong, they blame others, regardless of the true cause. There’s always a causal relationship between others’ action (including helps) and shit happens to me. In case things turn out good, it is up to the person’s ethics to take them all or credit to others. Sadly, rarely the latter happens.

I should be more cautious when deciding to be helpful/thoughtful/considerate/caring or any of that kind.

I’m lazy

     I can’t even focus to figure out what I want to do, let alone finishing work. Disoriented surfing and painful work delay are really messing me up. Calling for help is not an option when you are fundamentally lazy.

I’m boring

    I’m not bored, I’m just boring. Day in day out doing the same things, though this might not last long, at most another 4 months. But this is really sincerely making a boring me. I’m not talkative, no adorable face, interesting stories are missing, popularity is definitely not on my side. Honestly, I can’t offer much.

I’m dumb

    Regardless how much time I spend, it doesn’t move or worse, moving in a direction that consumes all my energy while bringing me perfect mess, which I have no idea how to clean up. Why? Refer to the first feature. Not the end yet, not being able to determine what to do is another vital problem. So how? I don’t know, that’s why I’m dumb.

I’m used

    I feel so, full stop.

Regards,

Me in 09

Now I know I can trust and count on you, keep it up!

It takes sorrows for one to get matured, and you haven’t wasted your pains. For that, he’ll be proud of you, and so am I.

Born, fed, grow up, study, adhere to rules, compete for good results, graduate, look for job, work, get married, earn money, have kids, earn more money, get worried, raise kids up, back to square 1.

Being thrown into this world, human struggle to earn livings, to be better than others. Along the way, some are too sick of the whole procedure to go on, so they decide to take a rest. Ironically, the moment they rest, their lives turn downhill and people accuse them for being timid. Come on, just because they are not born as energetic and persevering as others does not mean they are losers. But then again, you’re born to live, not to slack.

Bring to life or bring to death, which one is really doing good for the person. Some might say life is an adventure, I rather not be adventurous. As no matter how exciting one’s life is, one still has to follow unspoken rules, be good according to social standards, be free based on normal perceptions. Maybe once in a while is alright, but one life discovering is too much.

How many people actually view their lives as ideal as portraited? Or what we’re doing is just riding an ever-ending roller coaster, waiting for the day to be kicked out.

Better not give birth, making something miserable.

Nothing seems to be at the right pace recently.

Starting with research work, all the readings turn out useless in the sense that the more I read, the more I realize that the chosen topic is infeasible. So I decided to put that topic aside, look for another one, go for the one that interest me more. Well, the new one has too many gaps to be filled that I don’t know where to start. As deadline draws closer, I don’t even have a sound topic to start with, let alone a proposal. Panicking…

Personal life. So messy, I’ve been living an instinct-led life, leaving plan untouched. My mind keeps wandering for nothing, to nowhere. Sometimes I wonder whether I’m enjoying or getting lost. Time is not on my side now, I realize I never spend much time doing anything, but keep switching amongst the same old things. Am I bored?

As a consequence of no-result efforts, doubts of personal values and ideals become more prevalent, sinking me deeper into the mess. Sigh…

I have to say I love you, and the more I’m with you, the greater my love for you, Stockholm.

When I first came, you were cold, freezingly cold. The kind of cold I’ve never ever experienced for my last 23 years. Nonetheless, I was so excited seeing you snow, white all over. However, one, two, three months over and sunlight still not visited you, I was kind of sick of snow and cold, I wanted to go out with one layer of clothes instead of 3 or 4, I wanted to get rid of my heavy-dose moisturizer, I wanted to leave my socks behind when going out, I wanted to expose my legs. Still, you kept blowing strong wind and snowing.

The long-waited spring came, just to see it got rain whenever I had a plan to go out and sunny whenever I’m sick of being out.

It was windy when I didn’t wear jacket and hot when I carried it along. But you know what, I realize that it’s part of you that I would also love. Regardless of how people bad mouth about your weather, I know such kind of weather is uniquely Stockholm, since I’m used to you now.

I used to think REA is a clothes brand, but thanks god, that did not last long, only 1 week after coming to you, I knew it meant SALE.

Swedish are shy, or at least I was told so. But no, they drink, they sing, they f***, they’re not shy. All the more I like them, friendly and charming. The most welcoming people amongst all European countries I’ve been to.

Green, I love you for that. Greenery never fails to give me a peaceful feeling, and Stockholm has lots of that. I was amazed seeing how you changed from winter to spring, from moody you became bright and fresh in a matter of days, and I could see your improvement every day.

You know I like dandelion and you gave me lots of that. No, “lots” is an understatement. Fields of dandelion. They’re everwhere, on the pavement, behind my block, in the forest, at the lake, in school, next to the river. I took some seeds, hopefully to grow in VN.

I don’t like your price, so cutting-throat. When I came, I only dare to eat out several times, after that I had to resort to instant noodle, before figuring out where to get groceries. Anyway, thanks to you that I know how to make a proper meal on my own.

Many say Stockholm is boring. True, for those happening and keep rolling around, you don’t have much to offer them. By eliminating these people, you make yourself distinctive with calm environment. You make me want to sense and absorb you slowly by slowly rather than jumping around and find “Stockholm is not special”.

I should have stayed with you for another half year to see how you dress for summer and autumn (if it’s not for another meaningful reason). I guess you will be great when you get warmer.

Soft, gentle, charming, welcoming and lovely. Farewell, Stockholm.

It’s ok, no problem. I’ll limit it. There’s a reason why people don’t always show their emotions and true feelings. They need to strengthen themselves, at least in front of others. People never look highly on a weak and dependent person anyway.

So, why not?