For memory’s sake

I have to say I love you, and the more I’m with you, the greater my love for you, Stockholm.

When I first came, you were cold, freezingly cold. The kind of cold I’ve never ever experienced for my last 23 years. Nonetheless, I was so excited seeing you snow, white all over. However, one, two, three months over and sunlight still not visited you, I was kind of sick of snow and cold, I wanted to go out with one layer of clothes instead of 3 or 4, I wanted to get rid of my heavy-dose moisturizer, I wanted to leave my socks behind when going out, I wanted to expose my legs. Still, you kept blowing strong wind and snowing.

The long-waited spring came, just to see it got rain whenever I had a plan to go out and sunny whenever I’m sick of being out.

It was windy when I didn’t wear jacket and hot when I carried it along. But you know what, I realize that it’s part of you that I would also love. Regardless of how people bad mouth about your weather, I know such kind of weather is uniquely Stockholm, since I’m used to you now.

I used to think REA is a clothes brand, but thanks god, that did not last long, only 1 week after coming to you, I knew it meant SALE.

Swedish are shy, or at least I was told so. But no, they drink, they sing, they f***, they’re not shy. All the more I like them, friendly and charming. The most welcoming people amongst all European countries I’ve been to.

Green, I love you for that. Greenery never fails to give me a peaceful feeling, and Stockholm has lots of that. I was amazed seeing how you changed from winter to spring, from moody you became bright and fresh in a matter of days, and I could see your improvement every day.

You know I like dandelion and you gave me lots of that. No, “lots” is an understatement. Fields of dandelion. They’re everwhere, on the pavement, behind my block, in the forest, at the lake, in school, next to the river. I took some seeds, hopefully to grow in VN.

I don’t like your price, so cutting-throat. When I came, I only dare to eat out several times, after that I had to resort to instant noodle, before figuring out where to get groceries. Anyway, thanks to you that I know how to make a proper meal on my own.

Many say Stockholm is boring. True, for those happening and keep rolling around, you don’t have much to offer them. By eliminating these people, you make yourself distinctive with calm environment. You make me want to sense and absorb you slowly by slowly rather than jumping around and find “Stockholm is not special”.

I should have stayed with you for another half year to see how you dress for summer and autumn (if it’s not for another meaningful reason). I guess you will be great when you get warmer.

Soft, gentle, charming, welcoming and lovely. Farewell, Stockholm.

It’s ok, no problem. I’ll limit it. There’s a reason why people don’t always show their emotions and true feelings. They need to strengthen themselves, at least in front of others. People never look highly on a weak and dependent person anyway.

So, why not?

Though nothing special about this particular number (17), other than it’s too big, I still want to write something. I have to wait for another 17 days to end something memorable and to start something wonderful (I hope). The excitement of being there again outweights the enjoyment of the current days, causing the endless waiting. As they said, the last mile is the most difficult mile, and it’s very true. Indeed, this 17-day period seems like 71-day to me. Not only one day is long, every minute is crawling.

Rationally, logically and me-ly, I should be fully enjoying this last 17 days. But unfortunately, the enjoyment is just partly. Knowing that I’ll miss this place a lot, miss the beauty of nature, miss the peacefulness, miss the language, miss the people, miss my life here; I can’t help looking forward to June (or rather May 31).

I’ll be back soon, to join my first and second selves, making me complete.

Chưng hửng, giận người để rồi giận chính mình, trách người để rồi tự thấy tủi thân. Giống như một con chim lạc lối giữa trời rộng, cố tìm nghe một âm thanh quen thuộc rồi vội cánh bay, và nhận ra đó chỉ là âm thanh của ký ức hay của niềm hi vọng. Bấu víu và lo lắng sợ hãi. Tưởng rằng đã tìm được chốn quen, chim dốc sức chút chăm vun xới, nhưng không để làm gì, rừng đã quên chim.

Đôi khi những gì ta cho đi với cả tấm lòng không phải cái người khác cần, và ta giận mình sao lỡ “nối sợi dây dài”. Có lúc ta dốc cả bầu tâm sự và những tưởng đã được cảm thông và tri kỷ là đây, nhưng chuyện của ta cũng chỉ là cơn gió thoảng qua, có ai quan tâm chứ.

Ta tình nguyện quan tâm, ta mong ngóng dõi theo và cay đắng hay buồn cười nhận ra chỉ là ta tự làm khổ mình thế thôi, không ai đánh giá cao hay thậm chí cần điều đó cả. Chắc lẽ ta ngờ nghệch quá mà.

Hãy giữ lại cho mình để tấm lòng ta không là tấm thảm đỏ, có đặc biệt thì cũng chỉ là để lót chân người đi.

(John Lennon)

Love is real, real is love,
Love is feeling, feeling love,
Love is wanting to be loved.
Love is touch, touch is love,
Love is reaching, reaching love,
Love is asking to be loved.
Love is you,
You and me,
Love is knowing,
We can be.
Love is free, free is love,
Love is living, living love,
Love is needing to be loved.