For memory’s sake

To be honest, sometimes I do question my gender.

I used to wish I were born a guy and occasionally I still do. Therefore I selectively learn/try to do things that people say “guys are capable of” or “a girl should not do” while still maintain my feminine look. I practice to think, analyse the world like how I perceive guys would do. The only thing I don’t take up is to explicitly behave/appear like them. Why? girls got protected physically or at least people tend to be more gentle to girls and I don’t want to give up this gift from “someone up there”.

As I grow older, I realize conflicts grow in me, a me-guy thinking and a me-girl feelings. They discuss, argue, and fight for no endings, leaving me mess.

I try to be rational and balanced, I try to think cold, I try to be fair, I try to think less. But please forgive me if I become careless, irrational, unreasonable, over-excited, cocky, selfish, shortsighted at times.

I prefer being straight-forward, but please get the hint and follow me if I go around sometimes.

I dislike hanging so long at shopping places but please waste time with me if I suddenly want window shopping.

I tend to be fair but please coddle me if for once I become childish or girlish.

Though I can think, I can’t love in the way guys do. I’m still a girl when I’m in love.

Or you want otherwise?

Easier to say than do.

People always say and I always tell others who are in troubles to let go of the past, focus on present and prepare for future. Yet, disappointingly I realise myself holding on to the past, losting in present and doubting for future. I can’t let go, I can’t, seriously I can’t…

Maybe this is one of the simplest yet sweetest and most meaningful thanks I’ve gotten. Feel touched. It outweights any further appreciations and gratitudes. Thanks for what are contained in the thanks.

Maybe I’m bias and irrational.

You should double pray to any God you’re worshiping if you have a person that no matter what you do, you will get full support from him/her for certain. The person will be on your side regardless of reasons and circumstances.

It’s very easy to side someone when he/she is right and belongs to majority. True love and care can only be shown when justice is challenged.

It’s very simple to side someone when there’re only two of you with each other. It is the person’s will to voice up in front of the crowd or fight against the opposition that counts.

It’s less frustrated to side someone who strongly believe justice lies on him. But I expect even when I lose confidence and I know I’m wrong, that someone still can side me.

Yes, I know it’s irrational to so such things since life is tough and fairness is necessary, also logically, blindly siding a person is not constructive and people will consider you a coward (then again, you need braveness to go against the crowd). But don’t you think sometimes being fair will hurt the one you love, and blaming your love ones might create a further distance.

Life is cruel, hence any one needs to be protected emotionally, vocally and physically.

After all, love is bias and irrational. Correct me if I’m wrong.

I’m 22.

What’s so special about being 22 years old? Nothing much except the fact that I’m one year older, if it was not for the celebration.

More than 2 years away from home, looking back and lots of things have changed, me included, how time has passed. And each birthday is a unique occasion on its own, with me reviewing myself for the last 1 year. Some feel I’m more cheerful, some think I’m cuter, some say I’m getting thinner, some complain I’m more distant. Maybe I’m just older, hopefully more matured, thanks to 1 year experiences.

One year ago, a person was just slightly better than a stranger, 12 months later, the same one brings all pleasantly surprises by celebrating my birthday. Many people must have enjoyed this kind of gratefulness, yet I still find it unique. Why? Since it happened to me. No one, even the person himself, will ever know how lovely the actions were. From the moment it started, which is 2 days before the so-called event, till its ending, every details is memorable, surprising and touching and I just can’t help but recall them every now and then. Still feel like smiling when thinking of what happened the last few days.

Again, what make my day are not only the physical items themselves, but also the efforts and thoughts have been placed into the actions.

As time goes by, there will be more happinesses (not to forget sadnesses) come about, but these memories are lovely small soft pillows to rest on whenever life is too tough on me.

It is not really a wise idea to list out 100 reasons for something since one will die off half way doing such. Yet, that unique someone had decided to commit himself to finish 100 factors causing him falling into the trap. Despite countless repetitivenesses, he has convincingly persuaded the trap setter to join him and tighten the trap with his 100 (93 to be exact) facts. Physical attractiveness plays the major role while spirital factors only appear occasionally. Weirdly, he released that one of the reason was because he didn’t see many competitors were interested or recognized the trap. Upon reaching the 93th reason, he gave up due to lack of ideas and lost of voice. By then, the hunter was somewhere up the sky enjoying and reviewing the lovely 93 reasons.

I guess he still has another 100 reasons to stay in the trap comfortably and voluntarily.